Joy has been a theme for me this summer. Despite pandemic fatigue. In fact, probably even more so because of pandemic fatigue.
I’ve especially focused my meditation practice on joy, and the course through Insight Timer called Ritualize Your Joy was so rich I had to listen to it twice.
Of note: all the meditations and podcasts I listened to focused on joy being something we access, rather than something that happens.
Other words they used:
awaken
attune to
rekindle
elicit
your joy.
We find our joy by tuning into our senses, practicing gratitude, caring for our nervous systems, and participating in things that involve belonging and meaning. More on these in future blog posts.
We also support joyfulness by separating ourselves from habits, people, or mindsets that confine or harm us.
Not everything that creates joy is instantly blissful. In fact, we often need to delay quick relief (hidden much of the time as pleasure) in service of joy. As my son and I pursue our new running goals, we have to nudge each other on sometimes (a prime reason I asked him to do this with me, I know how easily I can talk myself into “tomorrow-ing” my workouts). I can’t say yet that while running I am feeling any physical delight, but the joy of our after dark neighborhood jogs has become a highlight of late summer.
An exercise I am finally doing today after the summer of pondering joy is to RATE joyful experiences.
I listened to this episode of Oprah's podcast on the way to a gathering at a friend’s beautiful home on a lake. Oprah talked of the small daily pleasures and gave them 1- to 5-star ratings of the joy she can feel when she is present in her enjoyment. The two trips I made for friend lake time took lots of energy and were 5+++ star moments of my summer. My morning coffee can be a 1 if I’m distracted, and a 3 if I sit outside in the early light and set aside everything else for a few moments.
Today I’m going to be on the lookout for my four- and five-star joys. The ones that bring on that “mmmmm.” I can tell you a few recent ones right now: late-night talks and long walks with friends. Running with my son, especially when we high-five after giving the last 30 seconds our all. Sliding onto my massage therapist’s new super satiny sheets. Laying in the dark at a campground looking for meteors (we didn’t see any) with family and friends. Putting that drop of the essential oil blend Joy over my heart in the morning.
A conversation I have often at work is what I see as the misunderstanding of “you have to love yourself first.” We’ve interpreted love to be a feeling that just comes, but I think it is meant in this statement as a behavior. Loving yourself means giving yourself good food, good boundaries, good body movement, and on and on.
So, what will you do today, right this minute, to joy your life?
“Joy is scared; it’s something to be accessed, not pursued.” - Lalah Delia
Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing. I came across a meme of the beginning of this linked blog post, and just made time to track it down because I wanted to credit the author. It’s everything, so start by reading it real fast, but then come back here, okay?
*****************************************************************************************************
I am at the end of an at-home week with no scheduled client appointments.
I am not really calling it a vacation, because I actually did a lot of work. And it felt SO SATISFYING.
Have you ever heard, “you need to make time to work ON your business, as well as work IN your business”?
I’ve not been great with that. Various reasons – financial, “not enough time to do everything,” all the reasons we tell ourselves. And if I’m honest, procrastination too, because if I don’t have time to do it “perfectly,” I tell myself I have to wait until I have time.
My theme right now is updating my systems. I need ways to automate some of the most important things that haven’t been getting done.
I have some systems that work really well, like keeping up with my checkbook, bills, making my bed and doing morning meditation, and brushing my teeth at night. They happen by muscle memory; I don’t have to think to make it happen.
I have a few systems that really needed work though. Staying on top of some work paperwork, and the piles of household papers that, despite my best efforts, grow out of control. Getting my sneakers on my feet, and my body out the door for a walk. Business bookkeeping, and also making time to write this blog and put in my member area all the super information I want my customers to have.
I spend a lot of time reading, thinking, watching things to absorb information, and I’m feeling very called to share with you all the most interesting bits. It’s fun for me, and energizing. I hope once I hit “publish” it’s of value to someone out there, too.
But it takes time, and I need to be intentional, or it doesn’t happen.
So, this week was more of a retreat, which I’ve wanted for a long time. Yes, some R & R happened (it was also school vacation for my 7th grader), but my biggest takeaway is making time for the birds-eye view. Kind of like planning a garden, which is also a skill I’m developing. You can just throw seeds in the ground, but it seems like most good gardeners keep journals and think out the rows ahead of time.
And like gardening, systems work best when you work with the weather and climate. You can start seeds inside on heat mats, but not too early. Watering is best morning and evening, not so great in the heat of the day.
I have been tracking when I’m the most productive and when it’s an internal wrestling match to get things accomplished. When I work with my natural energy variations, the work itself flows. Who’d have thought??
What are your systems? Are they working for you or are you in dire need of creating or revamping?
Last thing - early in my career, I had a wonderful supervisor give this advice: when you are finishing one vacation you should be planning the next one. This makes sense in so many ways, and I am putting my next "work ON my business" day on the calendar now. (My intention is that it won't need to be a week again if I take a day a month to check in.)
You probably know someone who seemed to make a change…just like that. They may experience it as “one day I just decided I was done” with a habit or “ready” for a new way to behave. They probably had small stumbles after that but, overall, they made the change and didn’t look back.
In the psychotherapy world, we talk a lot about Stages of Change. It’s a process we all go through when we realize something isn’t working anymore and decide to do something new.
The stages are:
- precontemplation (What problem? I don’t see a problem! Also known as denial.)
- contemplation (Perhaps there is a problem, but I’m not actually sure it’s that bad.)
- preparation (Something has to give, but I really don’t know what or how to change.)
- action (I’m ready, I’m trying things out, and it’s a priority.)
- maintenance (I’ve got some good new strategies in place, now I have to keep the momentum going.)
Super important: AMBIVALENCE about making a change is normal. It takes a lot of effort, and we are more likely to change when here is so uncomfortable, it’s worth the work to get there.
Super duper important: if you try to skip straight to action, you are missing some really crucial steps. When we contemplate and prepare, we discover the small and large pieces of the problem that have to be part of the solution. For example, if I’m making a change in my diet for medical reasons, but don’t understand how I use food for emotional nourishment and entertainment, I don’t find other ways to nourish or entertain myself when I need to. If those needs aren’t met I’m much more likely to relapse.
So, while that someone in the first paragraph may seem like they flipped a “change switch,” it’s more likely that they’d been working through these stages behind the scenes. Of course, with some issues, we move through the stages faster. Big and current consequences can trigger faster change; the possibility of some unclear future consequence isn’t as motivating.
Something that’s super hard about all of this is it means we see the possible solution long before we make it. If knowing was enough, there would not be so many programs aimed at helping us all exercise more, something it’s clear the majority of us don’t do enough.
So, if you are at the beginning of these stages of change, or have tried for change for a long time, what might help you get to preparation or action?
Counter-intuitively, it’s NOT listing all the reasons to change. Start with all the reasons to stay the same. Why do I stay on the couch instead of lacing up my sneakers for a neighborhood stroll? It feels good to sit and zone out on my phone! I like the quiet! I like being still rather than getting sweaty and winded! I forget! There are so many other things that feel more important!
Then, you can list the things that don’t work about staying the same. I dread going to the doctor because of what my annual blood tests are going to show. I don’t like getting winded walking up stairs. I worry all the time about how long my health will last.
Not done yet – third, list all the good things about changing. Yes, there will be overlaps with that second list, but do it anyway. I will feel more confident going to the doctor. I can imagine myself 20 years from now having energy to have a full retirement life.
The last list – all the reasons that change will be hard. (Again, yes, overlap, but asking questions in a different way matters.) Let’s face it, it’s work to get off the couch and out the door. I have to make time for it and motivate myself. I get shin splints sometimes. I don’t like cold, and warm seasons are short here. I'm not really sure it will be enough.
Will this magically create motivation? No, but it does work better than pretending that it’s an easy decision and then feeling bad when it’s not an easy change. You'll have some things to keep in mind when you are making your change plan, and some reasons to give yourself grace if it takes more than one attempt to get to maintenance.
No matter what, change can be really hard, so knowing a few tricks like this can move you further along that path.
It’s that time of year…people are considering, making, or avoiding New Year’s Resolutions.
I haven’t done much of this in recent years, because I realized it’s best for me to work on something when I feel motivated to, and winter isn’t often that time for me.
If you are in that place now, have you heard about Elastic Habits? Many of my clients want help in therapy starting or stopping something, and this concept intrigued me. I’m working on it for some habits I’ve wanted to get going, so I can better advise folks in creating their plan.
The idea is you make different levels of any habit, and make sure you do AT LEAST the lowest level EVERY DAY. The lowest tier is something you could do on your worst day (barring illness or emergency), middle is a reasonable amount to get toward your goal, and top tier is if you feel like hitting it out of the park that day.
If you are working on eating habits, the levels could look like:
- Eat at least one piece of fruit
- Eat veggies with each meal
- Five cups of veggies today
This makes so much sense to me, because our goals are often large (and should be) but if we make each day’s goals too prohibitive, it’s easy to fall off the wagon pretty quickly.
He advises working on no more than three habits at once. I’m making my list and creating a tracking method. Stay tuned…
Have you read this book? Are you working on habits now or soon? Do you have other strategies that have worked for you?
