I'm at the stage of “August got me” again this year. I have a couple of stretches each year that I think of as my “treadmill” times – I’m walking and there’s no stop button for about a month, just More and More and More and Keep Going!
Total honesty, this is because of things I have put on my own calendar and absolutely do not want to take off. But as we all know, wanting to do all the things does not make them any less exhausting. My ability to soak up all that our short summer offers and stay rested is a work in progress
In 2018 – 2019 we had a six month stretch of So Much Loss. Five deaths of family and friends. Two were very untimely, people in their 40s, one from cancer and one from depression. In the middle of all of this, the family home of over 50 years was sold, releasing an anchor that had been there all my life.
I barely kept my head above water at work. I had to miss performing in two chorus concerts in a row and then was back in just one time before COVID shut that down for two years.
There’s nothing like deep and repeated grief to give a person reason to think about everything. It was in this time that I decided my new mantra would be:
whenever possible, say yes.
Yes to travel; to time with loved ones that we’d been “too busy” to see more than briefly; to spontaneous adventures and pushing myself to see if I was “really too tired” for after work outings. Yes to staying up late to try to spot meteors; to getting up early to climb the hill; to more weekend plans when my nature is to retreat to the quiet home.
I do not regret a single one of the things above I said “yes” to.
As time has passed, my thoughts about “yes” have progressed. I began to say yes to more physical needs: meditating every day, investing in the Peloton treadmill, room in the budget for supplements that made me realize how far I was pushing my body without giving myself what I need to thrive.
I started this blog because I found myself saying the same things so many times at work, I figured others probably need to hear them as well. I wasn’t sure who I was writing for, other than myself because writing is a great way to refine what I’m thinking.
As we approach the three-year anniversary of the beginning of that hard season, I know that I want others to benefit from how I’ve learned to say yes.
My website name has been changed to align with my mission: to help you declare Your Time For Yes. Specifically, yes to self-care and intentional living. Caring for your body today so it can keep you adventuring for as long as possible. Caring for your emotions through community and connection. Caring for your spirit because unfortunately there is no doubt that hard times will come and when that happens, having something to guide and buoy us helps immensely.
So stay tuned, I’m here to nudge, urge, and cheer you to your Yes.
I’m a bit of a self-improvement junkie. I love reading about strategies to make life better. Many of the things that can bring on improvement are very simple, but that does not mean easy.
A book I read a few years back has stuck with me because it teaches about our own tendencies and how what works for one person may be the opposite of what works for someone else.
Gretchen Rubin wrote The Four Tendencies when she realized that how people react to expectations is a key part of whether or not we meet them. She grouped people into four categories: Upholder, Questioner, Rebel, and Obliger. Take her quiz here to find out where you land.
When I learned I was in the Obliger category and that I do best with external accountability, I had a big “aha” moment. Obligers can keep commitments if it we believe it impacts others but find it harder if we believe it only impacts ourselves. This is why “just schedule your day” to include the goals we have for ourselves isn’t the easy answer all the time management gurus say it is. “Put it on your calendar as an appointment” won’t necessarily make me keep that appointment if I believe no one else will be harmed if I bail.
Notice I said above “if we believe.” Because I think that is the crux – and the golden ticket. If I can feel in my core that someone else needs me to do something, I will make it happen, good or bad. In recent years I’ve been doing good work evaluating if the commitments I’ve been keeping are serving others. I’m letting myself think before making them and even after I’ve said yes.
All this is to say I have some habits I’ve drifted away from, and I know I will do best if someone else is counting on me.
What tendency group are you in? If you are an Obliger, how do you create accountability for yourself especially for things like self-care?
Do you need/want an accountability partner or group?
I just hit my 700 days of meditation streak!
If you’ve considered starting a practice, there are many good reasons, and I will cover that in another post. Today I want to share my favorite resources.The app I use now is Insight Timer. They have an extensive selection of free tracks, searchable by topic, teacher, how much time you have…it’s robust.
If you have the ability though, I have loved the paid version. It unlocks the courses feature, where you can do 5, 10, 31-day series on just about everything. Some are more like a lecture, others a hypnotic guided imagery experience. Especially these past two years, I’ve found that getting a deeper dive and continuity has been a craving I needed to indulge.
My other favorite, particularly for beginners, is Headspace
I like this one because of the lessons on just what this whole mindfulness thing is about. With animated introduction, the teacher Andy beautifully distills the purpose and goals of mindfulness practice.
There’s even a short Netflix series by Headspace if you want to check it out before downloading the smartphone app.
It’s been a while since I used the Headspace app myself, and there is a paid version as well, but I admit I don’t know what’s on offer there. Several clients really like it though.
Last one is Ten Percent Happier by Dan Harris. He’s got an absorbing story (he got into meditation as part of his recovery, and after having a panic attack on air while delivering the evening news!) and uses his reporting skills to interview teachers and meditators for real life stories of their practice. His platforms include a podcast and an app as well.
No matter which one you choose, I absolutely think it is worth investing in the paid versions.
Do you use one of these, or another? What do you like about it, how did you choose it?
Do you collect quotes like I do?
I’ve done this for years. I have notebooks and digital documents full.
And now…they are on my phone. It’s so easy to grab a photo file from social media! I was actually organizing them the other day and decided to share a few that speak to me right now:
You are not a machine. You are more like a garden. You need different things on different days. A little sun today, a little less water tomorrow. You have fallow and fruitful seasons. It is not a design flaw. What does your garden need today? - @joynessthebrave
And don’t think the garden loses its ecstasy in the winter. It’s quiet, but the roots are down there riotous. – Rumi
Eat like you love yourself. Move like you love yourself. Speak like you love yourself. Act like you love yourself. – Tara Stiles
Sensing the theme? With all the messages about how to achieve balance and consistency, it's so important to have the reminder that, usually, balance happens over time, and that figuring out today's needs may beat doing the same thing each day.
I'm curious, is anyone else just recently realizing they had a pretty hard winter and spring? I mean I know the world did, but as someone lucky to be at home and safe over the past year and a half, it was just recently that I realized everything built up and had a bigger impact than I had registered.
A friend shared last month she realized she had felt both "raw and burnt." That really spoke to me.
I think what really made me aware was when I didn't get my usual burst of energy that comes with the longer days of spring. Right into summer, I've had a certain amount of lethargy. Some people identified this as languishing, like in this article.
It's early July and I am finally getting the boost that I'm used to in May. I'm on vacation which certainly helps, but I was careful this past year to take the same number of vacations even when we couldn't go anywhere.
The article above talks about "finding your flow" to get out of the languishing whirlpool. I certainly was not in flow most of the winter.
Steps I've taken in recent weeks:
I went to a watercolor painting class with friends, taught by a friend. (So good to finally be all vaccinated and able to do this!) Painting is very outside my comfort zone and doing something so new jazzed me up. If you are in her New Hampshire neighborhood, consider a workshop with Martina Cyr!
I led an Aroma Freedom class with some Young Living friends, and then last week I finally made quiet time to do a session for myself. AF combines aromatherapy with neurolinguistic processing (my favorite psychotherapy tool) to shake loose some unhelpful thinking patterns.
Have you experienced the languishing, and how are you figuring out what the garden you are needs right now?
Part of my flow this season is teaching again. If you need some help with some limiting thoughts, would you like to do an Aroma Freedom class? Shoot me a message, we can make it happen.
“I can’t imagine doing your job as a counselor. How do you listen to people’s problems all day? That must be so stressful!”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that…
Well, I DON’T listen to people’s problems all day. That WOULD be miserable, for them and for me.
In early sessions I tell people it is “my job is to work myself out of a job.” If therapy is going well, then things get better, and we finish. If they don’t get better…then we have to rethink the approach and maybe even have them go work with someone else.
As I mentioned recently, tt’s actually a cool time to be in mental health right now. We have so many tools and strategies to teach people.
Functional medicine helps people see how nutrition and deficiencies can cause and heal things like depression and anxiety. When someone says they can’t really understand why they feel how they do (because in general life is good) I try to get them to have an evaluation by an integrative medicine practitioner. Because there’s no talk therapy to get their vitamin D or inositol levels up. And since most serotonin (a big feel good neurotransmitter) is made in the gut, intestinal health has to be looked at for chronic conditions.
Polyvagal theory explores how to engage the nervous system in a helpful way. Yoga, music therapy, simple breath work, can give folks a chance to finally feel good in their bodies.
Neurolinguistic programming, which totally changed how I work in my practice, lets me teach clients to “edit” their memories. We have great success stopping memories from popping in uninvited, getting rid of nightmares, and resolving phobias.
There’s even a way to use neurolinguistic programming with aromatherapy, my other love! Oh, and people don’t even have to tell me about what they are working on if they don’t want to.
Honestly the biggest challenge often is figuring out any reasons someone might subconsciously be cautious of change. (Which is normal, it just needs to be brought into awareness so we can work with it.)
Milton Erickson taught his patients and students, “don’t dam the river, channel the river.” The river is headed somewhere important, but we can have some say in how it gets there.
If you've had therapy and didn't find it helpful, or have been worried that it would be years of reliving all the yuck in your life, please know that there are really good targeted treatments now.
